Ps, Qs and Yous

There are many reasons why I’m looking forward to growing old in Spain: being able to sit in a park on a bright spring day, sipping wine and playing dominoes or “petanca” with the other oldies ranks high among them (ocupan una posición privilegiada entre ellas), as does the fact that anyone younger than I am will have to use the “usted” form when they talk to me. And if they dare not to, you can be sure that I’ll relish telling them (les diré con deleite) “¡Trátame de usted, jovenzuelo!”. Contrary to most Spaniards, who seem to consider being spoken to in the “usted” form as the first sign that they’re about to be shipped off (como si estuvieran a punto de ser enviados) to a geriatrics’ home, I can’t wait to reach that age where people suddenly start addressing me (se empiezan a dirigir a mi) in such a directly respectful way: it appeals to the pompous, excessively polite Englishman in me.

I think it’s fantastic that any language should have a subject pronoun such as “usted” and “ustedes” which is a marker of immediate respect towards the person that you are talking to. English is sadly lacking (carece) in such a pronoun. Spanish is much more precise in the fact that it has the “tú”, “usted”, “vosotros” and “ustedes” forms, whereas in English all we have is the simple, old ‘you’. ‘You’ if you’re speaking to a friend; ‘you’ if you’re speaking to Nelson Mandela; ‘you’ if you’re speaking to your mates (colegas); ‘you’ if you’re speaking to a group of bishops (obispos)… Oh come on, what do you mean you don’t usually speak to a group of bishops?!

All of which begs the following questions (nos lleva a preguntarnos): how do you know which ‘you’ English speakers are referring to when they’re speaking? And why, especially considering that we’re renowned for being such a supposedly polite nation, is there no equivalent of the “usted” form in English? It’s actually pretty easy to know when English speakers are using ‘you’ in the sense of “vosotros” because these days ‘you guys’ and ‘you lot’ have almost become the standard forms of address when speaking in the plural, or at least in informal contexts. It’s also very common if you wish to refer to two or three people to say ‘you two’ or ‘you three’. Beyond three (mas allá de tres) it’s recommendable to use ‘you lot’ or ‘you guys’; it would sound a little ridiculous to say ‘Hey, what are you seven doing tonight?’ You could also use ‘you all’ which is shortened to ‘y’all’ in the southern states of the US.

What should you do then to compensate for the lack of an “usted” form in English when you want to show respect to someone who is older than you or who is in a position of higher seniority (que tiene más antigüedad) than you are? The simple answer is that you should ‘mind your Ps and Qs’. This expression means that you should remember to be polite at all times by saying ‘your Ps’ which means ‘please’ and ‘your Qs’ which means ‘thank you’ (la pronunciación in inglés es como si estuvieras diciendo “than Q”). As we don’t have the “usted” form, it’s essential that you choose your words wisely when speaking to someone worthy (digno) of an “usted” in English. Apart from ‘minding your Ps and Qs’ it’s also a very good idea to use conditional tenses as much as possible when making requests or if you have to give an order. In fact, if you have to give an order, it’s always best if you want to appear truly English, to disguise (disfrazar) it as a request anyway.

Here’s a quick guide. When requesting things, always say:

‘I would like…’ instead of ‘I want…’.

It’s much better to say:

‘Could you…?’ or ‘Would you…?’ 

instead of ‘Can you…?’ and ‘Will you…?’. 

Once you have mastered these fundamental basics you can start jazzing things up (embellecer) by throwing in some adverbs and other pearls of politeness:

‘Could you possibly…?’

‘Would you mind awfully…?’

‘I’m terribly sorry but could you…?’

‘I don’t suppose you could…‘

‘Would you be so kind as to…?’

‘Is there any chance you could…?’

And don’t forget to say ‘Excuse me…’ and ‘Sorry…’ as much as you possibly can either:

‘Excuse me, I’m sorry but do you have the time?’

‘Sorry, do you have a light please?’

‘Sorry, I think you’re standing on my wife’s foot’.

Being English means always having to say you’re sorry for everything!

And, indeed, I’m terribly sorry too as I would like to be able to explain why we English are so damned polite in the first place, but I’m rather afraid I seem to be running out of (me temo que se me está acabando) space. Would you mind awfully reading my next blog and I’ll tell you all about it then? I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could do that, is there? Please? It would be really marvellous if you could, thanks….
….and again, I’m really, awfully, dreadfully sorry.

Written by Conor McAlinden

Edited by Vaughan Radio y TV

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